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I'm sorry about this...but I need to vent.

I've realized a few things lately that I was honestly happier not knowing:

1) I don't trust men. I really don't. They scare me, they confuse me, and my entire life, all they've done is hurt me. I'm tired of being abandoned. Aside from the male friends I have now who live two doors down from me and who I see every day, every male friend or family member I've ever had has abandoned me. Is that their nature? Is that all they do? It's all I've seen.

Or is it me? My friends don't have this problem. Their fathers would never dream of going seven years without telling their daughter that he loved them. Seven years. I'm a strong person but every time I think of that, I start to sob. What have I done to make him not say those three fucking words to me? I'm smart. I double major at college. He loves books and literature and I want to CREATE literature. But that still doesn't satisfy him. I work hard at a job so that he doesn't have to pay for my groceries. Nope, not good enough. No matter what I do, I am convinced that I will never hear those words again. And that, more than anything else, is reason enough for my heart to break. My brother doesn't speak to me. Not even a good morning when he wakes up. My one uncle has never spoken a word to me. The other one abandoned the family when he cheated on his wife.

Even Billy, the one friend that I trusted with all my heart, doesn't speak to me anymore. I haven't spoken to him in two years.

Ryan, Nick, Luis...my three close guy friends at college...after we graduate, what reason will they have to stay in my life? I feel so desperate, so pathetic, vying for their love, for their attention. I don't want them to leave. I don't want to lose them. But I will. Because isn't that how it always is? The man in question enters my life and then, when I fail to keep him interested, he leaves. There is not one man on this earth that I trust. Not. One.

2) I thought that this distrust of men would keep me from developing crushes on guys. And it did, for three years. Not once did I have true feelings for anyone. I would see a guy and find him attractive, of course, that I could not deny. But I didn't have a crush. And it was liberating, not having feelings for anyone. I loved it. Sure, it was sad. I missed gushing about a guy to a friend. But it was better this way. Now, I wouldn't get hurt.

Suddenly, this year, the feelings I have for Nick are more than that of friendship. I don't need this. I can't like him. He doesn't like me, or if he does, he'll never admit it. I am, and always will be, a friend. I'm 21 and never has a guy seen me as more than a friend. Or, at least, no one that I've ever been interested in. And while Nick throws hints here and there that he likes me, while he did take me out for ice cream on my birthday, just me and him, it will never lead anywhere.

He's hung up on his old girlfriend. He likes her, possibly loves her, but won't take her back. And he vents to me about her all the time. What sort of friend am I? I should be listening, I should be helping him through his feelings and I try...but when we talk about her in person, all I do is wonder what the hell I have to do to get him to feel that way about me.

I'm fucked. I thought I was over this. But I guess no one is immune to feelings of that nature. My friends make fun of us all the time. They say that we have feelings for each other but we're too damn stubborn to admit it.

They're half right. The other half, I'm not so sure about.


I can't do this. I just want to be alone. It's easier. It's safer. My heart stays in one piece that way. I can't handle one more guy abandoning me, I just can't.

But I'm starting to realize that I'm simply not as strong as I thought I was. This summer when my mother was diagnosed, ALL I wanted was a hug from a guy who loved me. I never got one. My heart is a stupid, stupid organ, yearning for something unattainable. Stupid, fucking organ. It should know better by now.

I should know better.
I want to go to grad school.


I WANT TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL.

I'm a junior in college and lately, all I've thought about is continuing my education. Going to grad school and studying creative writing at a more intense level and being the first girl in my family to go to grad school.

But we can't afford this. Or at least, I don't think we can. I feel too guilty asking. My mother spent five weeks in the hospital over the summer. That, plus all of her treatments? She's got eight more weeks of chemo. And I have the gall to think about grad school?

I want to go to my advisor. See if it's too early to apply for scholarships. I want this. I want to do something impressive. If I could be a student for the rest of my life, I'd do it.

I don't know. I don't know what to do.

...help.

Peace and love.
xx
day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favourite band/musician
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favourite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favourite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy

It's not Day 12. It's Day 7, I think. But this is just too wonderful to wait. I will go back to Day 7, I promise!

day 12. a photo of you.



Yes, that is me. And yes, the wonderfully handsome gentleman with his arm wrapped around me is the extremely talented Mr. Zach Braff, known best for his roles on Scrubs and in the movie Garden State. And as the Cottonelle Puppy.

I saw the off-Broadway play Trust this past week and it was BRILLIANT. I loved every minute of it. The acting was fantastic, the music was wonderful, the script was hysterical...and Zach is the sweetest guy ever. (And smells good, what?)

Peace and love and lots of lots of happiness.
xx
day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh

day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favourite band/musician
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favourite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favourite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy

Oh God, I've been slacking. Three photos today.

iTres!Collapse )

Peace, love, happiness.
xx

Tags:

So, I feel a change this year. Even more of a change than I've experienced this summer.

I made a list this past week of Do's and Don'ts for this year. I will eat better. I will dress well, every day. I won't be a Weekday Warrior (You know. That college student who toughs it out for five days and then goes home for the weekend. Every week.).

I'm scared, though. I want to come across as sophisticated and adult and classy. But I'm afraid of this new perception. I'm afraid that I'll buy new clothes to bulk up my wardrobe and give me more options but people will see it as me being materialistic.

But this is the thing. This is the thing that I've never told anyone. I've never felt like a girl. And not in a 'transgender' sort of way. I don't want to be a man. I LOVE being a woman. But I grew up with an older brother and five male cousins. They wore sweatpants and Ninja Turtle shirts. As teenagers, they always wore jeans and band T-shirts. And I didn't want to stick out. I didn't want to be seen as pretty. It made me uncomfortable. So I wore what they wore. My hair was short. I never did my makeup or my hair. I did what they did.

And now, when I go clothes shopping, I see pretty shirts with ruffles and lace and I never think I deserve those sort of things. I want to wear heels but I'm afraid of what people will think. I don't usually try on pretty clothes because I don't feel like I should wear them.

I went out shopping with my roommates yesterday and we went EVERYWHERE in the mall. Charlotte Russe, Forever 21, H&M...and in every store, they saw those pretty lace tops and shirts with ruffles and feminine jackets. And each time, they would pull it off the rack and say, "Lauren, this is SO you. Please, go try this on?" And I would and they always looked amazing. I bought five articles of clothing and a headband yesterday. And for the first time in my life, I feel like a girl. I feel like I can wear those things. If my friends can see that, why can't I? Why should I disagree?

That's my goal this year. To change this perception that I have of myself. Not to conquer the fear of what other people think, but to conquer my own thoughts. I deserve to feel pretty, every day. Not just once a week with that one pretty shirt I own. Every single day. And if I have to pull money from my paycheck and go shopping every two weeks to do that? So be it. I will conquer this. And I will finish this year feeling beautiful.

Peace, love, happiness.
xx
day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favourite band/musician
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favourite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favourite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy

day : a photo that makes you happy




This is my puppy, Ginger. She makes me happy every time I see her but I especially love this picture. She's holding her piggy in it. She has a piggy stuffed animal that, unlike her other toys, she doesn't destroy. She doesn't even squeak it. She just hugs it and falls asleep with it. If that isn't the sweetest thing ever, I don't know what is. But I love my puppy. I could leave the room for ten minutes and when I come back, she spins in circles because she's so happy to see me.

Peace, love, happiness!
xx

Tags:

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favourite band/musician
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favourite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favourite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy

day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago




I love this picture. When I went to the Rolling Stone photo shoot in Washington Square Park for To Write Love on Her Arms, I was lucky enough to meet founder Jamie Tworkowski and speak to him. When we finished speaking, he asked to hug me and one of the girls I met that day got a picture of it. I had no idea until about a week later when I found it on Facebook. I love this picture.

Peace, love, happiness.
xx

Aug. 21st, 2010

I'M GOING TO FINISH ONE OF THESE IF IT KILLS ME:

day 1. your facebook profile photo
day 2. a photo of yourself a year ago
day 3. a photo that makes you happy
day 4. a photo of the last place you went on holiday
day 5. a photo of you
day 6. a photo that makes you laugh
day 7. a photo of someone you love
day 8. a photo of your favourite band/musician
day 9. a photo of your family
day 10. a photo of you as a baby
day 11. a photo of your favourite film(s)
day 12. a photo of you
day 13. a photo of your best friend(s)
day 14. a photo of one of your favourite family members
day 15. a photo of you and someone you love
day 16. a photo of you at the last party you went to
day 17. a drunk photo of you
day 18. a photo of one of your classes
day 19. a photo of you on a school trip
day 20. a photo of something you enjoy doing
day 21. a photo of you standing up
day 22. a photo of your town
day 23. a photo of your friend as a baby
day 24. a photo of you that your hair looks nice in
day 25. a photo of a night you loved
day 26. a photo of your favorite weekend
day 27. a photo of last summer
day 28. a photo of what you ate today
day 29. a photo of someone you find attractive
day 30. a photo of you when you were happy

day 1: your facebook profile picture -




Livejournal? Meet me.

I took it to show my roommate that the beret she bought me from Paris COULD look somewhat adorable on my head and I actually really liked the picture, so I kept it. Hooray!

Peace, love, happiness.
xx

Tags:

So how do you guys relax?

I reread Eat Pray Love this past week and I saw the movie and it made me realize that I really need more of that in my life. I need to get back into the habit of doing yoga. I need to meditate. I need to clear my mind of all negativity in my life. Because, as much as I hide it, there's a lot of negativity.

So what do you do? What's your personal meditation? Where do you go to clear your mind and to forget every ounce of dislike? I will take any advice possible. It could be the silliest, craziest thing you do, and I'll probably appreciate it ten times more.

Thank you!

Peace, love, happiness.
xx
This entire summer has changed my life so drastically. In a matter of two months, I feel as if I am a completely different person. In two months, I grew up.

Less than two months ago, my mother was diagnosed with Leukemia. And suddenly, everything was different. Nothing mattered anymore. And not in that 'I'm depressed, I don't give a fuck about anything' way that I was so used to before. Instead, I had realized just what my priorities were. I went to work at the theater and we would make mistakes and the cast and crew were so upset. Except for me. So a cast member missed a line. So I messed up a slide. So a costume change didn't go as quickly as it should have.

Life goes on.

While my mother was in the hospital, I took over all of her duties. I cooked dinner for the family. I cleaned. I did laundry. I took out the trash. I cared for the dog. And never before did I realize just how much she did. And then, two weeks ago, my father goes to the hospital as well with a blood clot in his ankle. He can't drive. He can't even walk.

And suddenly, my responsibilities doubled.

I don't think there was a night that I didn't cry. I don't think there was a moment where I wasn't exhausted. But through the day, I never showed how I felt. Ever. I kept a smile on my face. I cleaned and kept the house clean because if the house looked clean on the inside, it looked like I was okay on the inside. I happily made dinner for my father because if I was able to put together a home-cooked meal, I looked put together. And then, at night, I would cry.

And I don't mean cry. I mean bawl. For hours. No one would see me. I could talk to myself and blubber and work through everything. And I would cry until I fell asleep. And then, I would wake up, I would put that smile back on my face, and I would continue through my day.

And it wasn't the unhealthy dealing with my emotions that I knew when I was seventeen years old. Instead, it was a strength I never knew I had. I never complained about what I had to do. I never showed how difficult this was for me. I never shed a tear in front of my family. And then, at night, when everyone else was asleep, I would take that moment for myself and let out all my emotions in a healthy way. I needed to cry. I wanted to cry. So I would.

This entire situation had me realize that, as cheesy as it sounds, life is fragile. And happiness doesn't just come to you. You have to create it. So when I didn't feel like thinking of my mother in a hospital bed, I thought about something else: My struggles with my major.

Over the past two years, I began thinking that maybe, I wasn't so happy as an English major. And every time I watched Food Network or every time I flipped through a cookbook or every time I baked a cupcake, I realized that I loved this. I loved food and I loved creating food and I loved wearing an apron and frosting cupcakes and making something beautiful. But I am two years into getting my degree in English and Classical Studies. I don't want to give that up.

And then I realized that perhaps I don't have to choose one or the other. Perhaps I can combine the two.

I want to go to culinary school after I graduate college. One that isn't expensive and one that I can finish in two years, at the most. I want to study Bakery and Pastry Arts. And then, I want to find a job as a food writer. I want to travel. I want to write about new restaurants and new chefs and the best new bakeries. I want this. This is what I want to do. I have to talk to my mom, see if she'll okay the idea. But...what's the difference between culinary school after college and grad school?

Even if I don't go to culinary school, I will take classes. I will make this happen. I want to be happy and I want to be successful and the two can go hand in hand.

Anyway, there's my rant. There's my explanation as to why I've been gone for ages. And there's my 'Eat, Pray, Love' commentary to go along with it.

Peace, love, happiness.
xx

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